No Old Country Buffet for Old Men

Old Country Buffet

Old Country Buffet

There is a ridiculous tradition in my family. A tradition that may shock or appall many of my fans (if you’re reading you are a fan,right? Right). Due to the overwhelming anger that has built up inside me recently,I have finally decided to write about my family’s semi-secret tradition after years of feeling embarrassed. I will preface by saying this:Old Country Buffet is the grossest,dirtiest,ripoff ever and I hate it!

My grandparents loved going there back in the 80s cause they were still living like they were in the Great Depression. OCB used to be dirt cheap and you could eat all you wanted. Now its $10.95 for an adult,that’s a lot of money for shitty inedible food in a unsanitary and gross environment.

A quick list I just came up with of things you can get that are better for less money:

-Chipotle Burrito or anything else at Chipotle

-Entree from Noodles &Co

-Any cheeseburger or sandwich at a respectable establishment (TGI Fridays,Applebee’s,Ruby Tuesday’s,etc)

-A hot dog/drink special and slice of pizza at Costco,this is less than half the price of OCB

A typical experience at OCB:

My family is quite large,so we generally come to OCB with roughly 13 people (my immediate family,my uncle’s family,and my grandma). We all have to make our way to the back of the dining area,because that’s where the bigger tables are. During this period we typically pass five young children that are running around playing tag while they grab food from the buffet,two people that look homeless and probably are,three thug looking gentleman,and 4 morbidly obese adults with their 10 morbidly obese children. While we are walking towards the back room we normally decide to send my mom and aunt ahead to hold down our table while everyone else starts filling their plates. The food is so sub-par I honestly don’t think its describable,but I’ll try nonetheless. The meat is always dried out,cold,and frequently sneezed or coughed on…and you have your choice of ham,roast beef or turkey. And then imagine everything is described worse.

Some of the shitty food offered at OCB

Some of the shitty food offered at OCB

Pretty bad,right? The food isn’t the worst part,though. I have never once gone to an OCB and not had someone there that spoiled my appetite. To give you an idea of what kind of shit you have to put up with when you go to old country buffet,here’s an example:

I walked in late with my lady friend and headed towards the back room to meet with my family. Of course now you are thinking,“what kind of guy takes a girl to OCB?”,the answer is I don’t know…but that’s beside the point. As we entered a manager approached us (42 years old,balding,and scars on his face) and muttered so quietly I could barely hear him,“The salad bar is right over here”,and then he pointed us to some area that just had the drinks. My lady friend and I ignored him and figured what he said maybe made sense and we just misheard him,and we made our way to the back room. Later on,I got up to get some of the famous New England Clam Chowder for my Bubbie (the Yiddish word for grandma). As I arrived at the soup area,the same manager as before was placing silverware into the holders. He didn’t wait long until muttering quietly again to me,

Him: “Target has 1542 stores in 48 states.”

Me: being freaked out I just smiled.

Him: “Target has 1542 stores in 48 states!”(this time much louder)

Me: (realizing he wants a response) “Wow,that’s a lot of stores in a lot of states. Did you work there?”

Him: “I am the farmsis”

Me: (I now notice his name is Jerald from his name tag) “You are a pharmacist?”

Jerald: “Yesh,I work Sundays for past 6 years and am good farmsis.”

Me: “Which Target do you work at?”

Jerald: “Maypal Groove”

Me: “Wow.”(I set down the bowl of soup on the counter and slowly back away,then quickly walk back to my family’s table and tell my Bubbie that they are all out of Clam Chowder)

A few days later (on a Sunday) I went to the Maple Grove (MN) Target Greatland. I went to the pharmacy and thats when I saw Jerald,not in uniform and just hanging out near the allergy medicine. I asked the actual pharmacist,

Me: “Does that guy work here?”(pointing towards Jerald)

Pharmacist: “That guy over there? haha (he chuckled),no that guy just hangs out here every Sunday. He has taken his blood pressure so many times we were worried about him breaking our machine.”

Me: “You aren’t worried about it anymore?”

Pharmacist: “No,we just unplug it on Sundays.”

Me: (I look over and see Jerald attempting to take his blood pressure) “Alright thanks,take care.”

Me: (I walk past Jerald)

Jerald: (looking at me) “My blood pressure is very good today.”

If only he remembered me he’d probably be so embarrassed,just kidding… the guy is batshiat crazy! I have another example I would really really really like to share,but it would make this post too long,so I will just briefly touch on it. It involved a quadriplegic that was being hand fed and kept spitting food onto our table,and I heroically saved my sister-in-law from eating spit up food without knowing it.

Old Country Buffet boggles the mind,it is perplexing to say the least. Why do people still frequent such a ridiculous restaurant? The price,food,people,and overall dining atmosphere is so terrible that it is simply illogical for people to go there. I get depressed whenever my Bubbie forces my family and me to go there. Now that my secret is out I just hope people don’t make fun of me for life. This post was really hard to write but I could remain silent no longer. If speaking up now saves even one child from dining in that miserable hellhole called “Oh-See-Bee”it will be worth it.

6 comments to No Old Country Buffet for Old Men

  • Rachel

    Once again,benj good job with the ranting! It makes me not want to go to Old Country Buffet neither! Good blogs! I wouldn’t understand why people would go there either!

  • Chris

    WOW! I enjoyed reading your article. It is very close to my description of OCB. I honestly do not understand why people still go there. It’s absolutely horrible! I asked some stupid idiots whey they still go and their response was,“It’s nice not to make dinner every once in a while.”WTH ! That’s the reason you would go out to eat,not the reason you choose to eat at the worst,most expensive for what you get restaurant you can! They could go to dozens of other places for the same price or cheaper and get REAL FOOD.

  • Chris

    At least they have ice cream but I’m not paying $15.00 for all you can eat vanilla ice cream when I can buy an eighteen gallon bathtub of ice cream for the same price. Old Country Buffet is the biggest ripoff ever. $15 for all you can eat oatmeal and rice crispy squares. LOL whatever I eat at that buffet could easily be bought or made for half the price. For example:Disgusting low quality chicken or beef (if bought at store would be better quality and $5) mashed potatoes (store is $3 to fill ten plates) and ice cream (Several Giant ass tins = 5$) Total.. about the same price. However,you get to keep 20X the amount of potatoes you would have eaten,u get to eat meat that actually tastes good and you get several gallons of ice cream that you can eat over the course of the next few weeks. Ta da.

  • akd

    it’s disgusting,i wouldnt even of gone if it was me. Some family members suggest to go to OCB but the thought of it alone just makes me vomit.

    Look at the food and people there! You aren’t alone.

  • julie Tarshish

    I am so glad to read your article on the ocb Octogenerians cvetch house. I laughed so hard . I guess I will add my two cents as well.
    I totally agree with you about all of the chain and I know that the thought was that it was cheap plentiful and able to accomodate crowds I especially liked the reference in the movie Fargo as a Minnesota staple treat. However I have spoken to Baubie and I know for a fact that she loves scallops and fresh seafood especially that buffet at Mystic lake. I cannot imagine that is your only choice Benji my sweet nephew I bet you could buy what is needed and do a combined dinner for Baubie and give everyone a good meal I wish I could be there with you to celebrate (the important thing ) even knowing the drawbacks I would go to the OCB just for the company of my beloved and some what eccentric family. I know that my love and best wishes go with you whaterever you you go whatever you eat or don’t

  • Paul Chermak

    Don’t understand the badmouth comments. Like any place,what happens in a place is dependent on the manager and the help he or she hires. We go to OCB in Rockford,Il and another one in Janesville,Wi and they have great food. Not sure what the food is folks with postings find offensive but we have found great meats,vegetables,salad bar,etc. What mystifies me is why folks spend so much going to expensive burger places like Red Robin or those hot dog places. Even McDonalds for a Big Mac,Fries,and drink can set you back nearly the OCB price. You get junk food whereas you could have had a balanced meal. I would say some folks are either highly spoiled and must dine at the Ritz all the time or have picked places that are poorly run and maintained. Sorry about that.

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